These four walls confine her. White like the winters snow. Few pictures hang upon them a rosary with Christ hanging on the cross. Hoping for safety she finds a world of hidden lives secrets poor from the sealing how many more of these secrets can these walls hide. Broken. She lays on the floor locked behind a door Caged like an animal. Treated as a child she’s tame yes she is not wild. In love with the one whose secrets she keeps captive behind sown lips knowing one loose thread will sink this ship. Each and every one of us is a prisoner of addiction constantly controlled by its will. Ones personal strength can only go so far. Quickly she is reverting to old ways. Slowly losing track of how many days and nights she has spent with her eyes open wide. Scared she’s paralyzed with fear. Her eyes constantly hiding her tears. Can she make it through the next few years. She spends all of her time hiding her fear she spends her hours drowning herself in denial. Are the choses she’s making honestly final? Denial a word to many thought of as a way of saying she’s crazy blind stupid. She’s lost she’s confused in pain miserable but happy and content. A roller coaster of emotions, whiplash. In The carpet lies small fine shards of glass that makes eyes around her sparkle, but leaving her desperately confused, naive to the idea of its controlling attributes the glamorized idea of the toxic infection it leaves behind when it’s gone the maze, a puzzle that her life has become. People in and out a week seems like a century time with out sleep she barely has a grasp on reality.
Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain, and no matter where I go it’s always pouring all the same. These streets are filled with memories, both perfect and in pain, and all I want to do is love you, but I’m the only one to blame
the bottles in my palm. your voice is on the phone. my bodies nothing but a lifeless drone. my words are starting to slur yet i just drink more and more. waiting for you to walk through my door. just so i can settle this score. i think about how we would smoke at two in the morning, each bowl getting us closer to the stars but all that left behind now are deeper scars. all i can do is say your name. please i told you your not to blame. why couldn’t things just stay the same. the words those simple words mean the world to me i would kill tho hear them once more. i take a drag of this cigarette hoping to forget that morning. they took you away from me stripped you from my arms so easily it seems they locked you in a cage. i fell asleep that night begging that it was just a dream? waking up thinking you were here next to me i could have sworn i felt your frame. i take another drink as tears run down my cheeks, i haven’t held you in weeks. i lay in our bed alone,i miss the way you would hold me close, its this time of day i miss you the most. i hear your voice on my phone, you say your sorry, but for what this, you being gone is all my fault. i try to find the words, a pause, your not to blame, my love for you is no game… i know you feel the same…the bottle still in my hand half empty. the taste the smell all the more tempting. but now here i am waiting for us to pick up where we left off. praying that things will be better i miss you every day darling i cant wait until i get to hear you say my name, i miss it the nights we would write a symphony of heavy breathing with the inspiration of the friction between our hips.
why is it hes hard to ignore? my weekend spent with him, every thing felt just like before. he and i so close hidden behind a closed door both of us craving more. but both of us laying there sore. have we finally settled the score. i kiss him good bye gaining the sweet seduction of my perfect serenity, but leaving behind my dignity. but not regretting a single moment spent with him, i crave him when hes gone.i listen to his voice and our sweet song. during the week i drowned out the temptation, each weekend letting it take hold its my soul i have sold. upon your face this twisted grin. i live in sin. lust consumes us when were together, come there’s no time to talk about the weather, we say to our selves this wont happen again. yet here we are. no time to stop only time to begin. no ending no more pretending we both know we cant hide this show. its time for me to go, we both say no we both want me to stay but here is where i go. one more night he asks but i cant hide behind this mask, this love i feel has become a task. we both knew this wasn’t meant to last.
why is it youre life has moved on but mine is at a stand still? why do i still miss you even though you have been gone for months. why is it i still wait for you to walk through my door just as you did before. i cant escape you anymore i used to smoke a few and then for get you. we used to be everything any one ever wanted. always together never caring smoking until we reached the stars your all i wanted now all i have are these scars trying to hide them, only now each memory brings them back more painful than before, why cant i just have you here. youre complements were the same as youre lies, they all hurt in the end. now its only me left to pretend. its my love i still send. from the beginning neither of us thought it would be this way, but darling fate is twisted in every way. i miss you even more today. you hold her all through the night, it used to be me you would hold so tight. now all we do is fight, our love is forever out of sight we stay just friends but this is where our story ends, i think of you often we hang out every weekend, i leave my dignity wishing i could erase our history but i cant let go of the love the time i had all i could ever want. all of our pictures our nights our morning’s. let me confess, such sweet tenderness now means so much less. my life with out you is a complete mess. we had so much fun taking off my dress, i cant help but miss you, do you ever miss me, do you think about me the way i think about you. cant you see, im surely going to hell now that im all by my self
still trying to smile but it still feels so foreign to me. That face I see in the mirror every day just doesn’t seem right, I cant help that you always cross my mind even if the timing isn’t right. when will it ever? sometimes it feels as if I have fallen so far into your terribly portrayed game of charades. I still choke down your cancer even though its making me sick. i cant help but care for you even if I feel like I don’t belong you always make me feel safe in your arms. we watched as the cool summer rain would fall onto the burning concrete, we watched as the summer green faded and the leaves changed tangled in each others arms the last thing you said still echoes in my head. the leaves have fallen the trees are naked and bare the snow has blanketed what used to be there. bitter winter air fills my lungs replacing the emptiness with the frigidness that continually grows. sneaking behind closed doors, our clothes hit the floor. continuously happening, am I strong enough to make it through the eye of this storm? snow falls on my window pain watching as the cold freezes and leaves the darkness desolate. leaves me frightened. if only our timing was more precise I wouldn’t be sitting here alone with out you by my side. all the money in the world means nothing, more time is the only thing I cannot buy.
Loving you is a full time occupation. But its something I love to do, I couldnt imagine my life with out you. The hardest thing about this is the in and out that you do here today gone tomorrow I dont know how to react I have your love youre all I got. I stand strong by your side ignore the thoughts and claims of passer bys they dont know the truth but we do. Day and night I continue on with out you here staying together is hard durring this rough weather. Hanging on to pictures that conceal a thousand memories holding on to post cards and the hundreds of words they all hold all the promises and tender words they are what mean the most. Hopes that things get better knowing that in time they will. Everything about that morning plays over and over in my head thinking what if they had gone differently. I miss you and the time apart becomes more aparent as our hearts grow fonder the closer we get but the space further and further away. I miss you today and ill miss you tomorrow after all of this we will have grown we will be stronger and better off I love you more than the ocean that calls my name deeper than the sea of blood that flows through our viens our love will bring the truth our happiness is what were on the brink of. Times are hard baby I know the waves are rough but our ships strength will be tested it will be rough but as the eye of the storm nears well be standing strong once the clouds clear always and forever. Well make it tgrough this together our love is unconditional it sees no boundaries it cannot be contained like to gasoline adds to the flames the sea will calm the storm will pass I love you now and forever you fucking smartass.
Am I living the life I truly deserve the insanity of the game the situation still doesnt bring you shame I think after all this time and all this pain you would have learned that nothing is ordinary no one is willing to change. Until the realization has been made. Untill the shadow casted by the greed and the pride that lies inside. The monster we all have but they arent all the same. The rush the thrill the unsatisfied need to be filled. .
Your gone for days with nothing other than your worn out word that things will be different that things wont be the same. I pray for our sake that things do change. I dont want to let you go I never want to leave your side but I dont think I am strong enough to love you with your devil tagging along for the ride. We fight our demons daily but only the strong willed can servive and thrive in a sober life. Im holding on to what little hope I have left that your promises are full and that they like your others arent empty and depribed of a richious life. I love you more the ocean that engulfs us with the gift of life, change, a world of oprotunities, and better days. I hope this is the truth and youre really changing your ways. I hope inside it is the truth and you do change your life. Old habbits die hard and never truly dissipate. You just have to find other ways to fill your days. I miss you more than anything I hate being away from your touch for this long I miss your sweet corny comments your kiss as im just begining to wake up I miss the way you would lay with me all day and never want to get up I miss the way you used to make me laugh the undeniable truth as to how much I love you I love you unconditionally it has never occured to me as to how far my love for you could go how much shit I would take how far was i willing to go before I would just break days I cried hours did I stay inside the hurtful things you said the wedge you let your demons drive between us the heartretching stake you simotamiously drove into my back. But I stood strong by your side clung to the last shred of hope I had for the chance for things to change for us to work for us to finally know how far our love could go were on our way back to the used to be the good days where you could be sober for me. I love you and all of yout improfections I hold your hand always